Pregnancy is a joyous time when women glow in joyful anticipation of their new arrival. At least, that’s what we’re led to believe from movies and TV shows. For many mothers, these 9 months are anything but idyllic.
We asked a group of mothers to share what they disliked about pregnancy, and what they found to be the hardest parts.
My first pregnancy wasn’t too bad overall – some upsets, but overall it went well. The second time was much different. I had 24/7 nausea for the first trimester. And unlike my first pregnancy, I couldn’t rest. (A 2-year-old chase doesn’t allow for much sitting.) So I was constantly tired. I also had shooting pains due to tight hip and pelvic joints that made it impossible to rest. In addition to the constant physical pain, my mental health deteriorated. The baby cakes were sweet, and I was excited to meet my new little one. But I was ready to be done with the pregnancy part.
What helped: For confusion, I tried ginger and seaweed, but they didn’t do much for me. The biggest difference was getting as much sleep as I could and eating consistently. Carbs were all that stayed down, so I lived with potato chips and a pot of chocolate peanut butter on my side. Physical therapy helped with some joint pain, and I also started counseling.
What made the biggest impact was simple: asking for (and accepting) help. Trying to be superwoman backfired. I found the most relief when I allowed my wonderful husband, family and friends to come and support me.
Getting pregnant was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I wouldn’t trade the results for anything in the world.
– Stephanie Iraghy, Durham, NC
During my first pregnancy, I had a lot of menstrual symptoms – a bit of morning sickness in the first trimester and fatigue in the third trimester. When my second pregnancy was anything but normal, I was caught off guard.
For the first 4 weeks, I was fine. Then he fell ill in the morning. I hated all kinds of food, even water. I will throw water. I lost weight in my first trimester. Then I got into the second trimester and I was still sick. I threw up every day, every time of the day. I did not try any antidote. Eventually I had to be admitted to the hospital to receive IV nutrition.
I also think that I was depressed because I was spending a lot of time at home alone. My husband was working and my son was in school.
What helped: Luckily, there were two other moms in my church group who were also pregnant, so we really bonded. I can talk to them about my experience, and they check up on me regularly. I had a friend who, like me, was hyperemesis [severe nausea] During her pregnancy. She was a great help and resource.
I thought, “I hate being pregnant” many times during pregnancy. This is why I don’t want any more children. The risk of it happening again is enough for me to say, “I think I’m done.”
– Crystal Martin, Phoenix, AZ
As an only child, my only experience with children was acquaintances entrusting their young children to me. Inevitably, any child I cried in my arms. I thought I was bad with children.
My husband wanted to have children, but I wasn’t sure. I focused on my career.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. I thought, “What if I don’t love this child? What if I’m a bad parent?”
It didn’t help that I had extreme nausea during my pregnancy. They call it “morning sickness,” but I was sick all day. I lost 10 pounds before I started gaining weight.
Don’t fear the mother. It was earned there through hard work. When the nurse told me it was time to push, I said, “I can’t have a baby, I don’t like babies!” But when my daughter was born, I fell in love.
What helped: I settled into new motherhood and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it—so much so that I now have four children. Knowing how much I loved my first child made it easier. I learned how to manage my pregnancy nausea (just eating protein instead of carbs) and got therapy to help me with the anxiety.
I now have two beautiful girls and two beautiful boys, and I am very happy with my family.
– Samantha Redford, Altoona, PA
I was excited about the idea of getting pregnant. I just didn’t like being pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, it was almost like I had this alien life form inside of me. I don’t feel like myself.
Then the morning sickness started, and it wasn’t just in the morning. I felt sick from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. By week 5, all I could eat was salted chicken and chicken nuggets. Everything else turns my stomach. Once I entered my second trimester, I was uncomfortable all the time. My body felt full.
There are many expectations about being a parent, and especially a mother. You should be happy. You have to be that perfect parent. I never felt glowing, excited, or excited like the pregnant women in the books and movies. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I didn’t have those feelings.
At a certain point, I finally accepted that what I felt would not last forever. It was going to be fine, and the result would be this healthy baby. I think if more of us were willing to say, “Pregnancy isn’t always an amazing experience,” it would make it less difficult for other new moms to feel the way I did.
– Krista Wolk-Bupp, Wichita, KS
I always wanted children, but I never wanted to get pregnant. After my wife tried fertility treatment and didn’t conceive, I offered to be a team player. When I got the result of the pregnancy test, to tell you that I refused is an unusual thing. When my wife and I realized that my water had broken, my doctor told us to go to the hospital (4 weeks ago), and I sat in the shower for about an hour. In the middle of labor, I wanted to go home. My mind just couldn’t comprehend the fact that I have a child.
The pregnancy weight gain was really hard on me. When I was in the army, I used to work outside twice a day. I was in great shape. When I was pregnant, looking at myself felt like I was looking at a stranger. I didn’t recognize myself. I probably have five photos from my entire pregnancy because I don’t look like myself.
My hips were tight before I got pregnant from weight bearing, and my baby sat so low that all the weight was right on my hips. Around my fifth month, I could no longer sleep in my bed because I couldn’t climb on it. I had to sleep on the couch. It took an emotional toll on me, because my wife was just one person, and I couldn’t be with her.
I also had constant nausea during my pregnancy. I never threw up, but I always fell asleep.
What helped: My wife is half Korean, and she uses a lot of ginger in her cooking. I used to drink about four cups of ginger tea a day. It helped a lot, but it never went away completely. Walking also helped me feel better during this time. I walk three or four times a day, and twice before bed.
Looking back, I feel bad that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy. I still have some guilt, but now I can say without question that my son is one of the best things that ever happened to me. He is awesome. Now I look back and realize that it was totally worth it.
– Corritta Lewis, Playa del Carmen, Mexico
I knew in my 30s that I wanted to have a child, but I got caught up with work. At 40, I finally decided it was time to start trying to have children on my own. What I thought would be an easy trip, turned out to be.
I started with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). I got pregnant, but lost the baby. It took several attempts at IUI and in vitro fertilization (IVF), four pregnancy losses, a switch to donor eggs, and 4½ years ago I became pregnant with twins.
My pregnancy was anything but easy. In my first trimester, I had a spot of bleeding. It resembles a large blood clot in the uterus. I was bleeding profusely, which was very stressful. For weeks, I lived in fear that I would lose my children.
Twin A’s water broke at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I was bedridden at home for 7 weeks, and then in the hospital for 8 weeks. My doctors and other health care providers at the hospital wanted me to abort Twin A to give her sister a chance. I was shocked – not that they gave me the option to terminate, but that they pressured me to do it. I said, “No, I am taking care of the baby.” I was really angry and disappointed.
My friends and family were there to support me through those difficult weeks, which helped. I also had support from my OB/GYN and midwifery team. I did acupuncture to deal with my anxiety. And I created a safe mental space for myself where I wasn’t overly excited about the pregnancy, but still optimistic and hopeful for a happy ending.
Twins born 32 weeks – 2 months early. My daughter just needed to feed and grow, but my son had to spend 2 months in the NICU because his lungs were advanced. I could not handle him for the first 10 days of his life.
My twins are now 2, and healthy. I certainly don’t regret it, although I never want to get pregnant again. The whole experience made me realize that just because you’re pregnant, doesn’t mean you’re going to have an easy time of it.
I think there is a perception that pregnancy is a beautiful time when mothers can start to bond with their baby. That was not my experience.
For the first 3 months of each of my pregnancies, I felt hungover. I was tired, fatigued, constantly hungry and irritable.
I developed gestational diabetes during two of my pregnancies. If I go too long without eating, I get dizzy. And if I don’t eat the right combination of foods, my blood sugar will spike and I’ll feel out of it. I had to give myself insulin shots, exercise and eat right, which added another layer of stress to my pregnancy.
One of the few things I appreciated about pregnancy was that it allowed me to eat more sweets and not focus so much on diet. With gestational diabetes, I had to watch every bite. I made sure I didn’t eat too many carbs, got enough protein, and ate lots of fruits and vegetables. This is probably the way I should eat, but when I didn’t have a choice, it felt more restrictive.
Sleeping was another problem. Early in my pregnancy, I slept a ton. This changed as my stomach grew. The older I got, the more I tossed and turned at night. Lack of sleep affected my mood, my diet, and my ability to stay motivated. Because I didn’t sleep well during the night, I allowed myself to relax after work and sleep when I could, so it wasn’t an ongoing frustration.
I have four children, so obviously I didn’t let my difficult pregnancies stop me from getting pregnant again. I discovered the importance of cognitive rehabilitation – knowing that pregnancy does not last forever. It is only a short amount of time. When I met my children, I didn’t regret a single moment of the 9 months it took each of them to get here.