Retaining past romantic attachments creates feelings of distrust and can hinder an otherwise promising relationship. So are you wondering if your honey’s heart is still in the hands of a past love? There’s no way to know for sure without talking to your partner about your concerns. But how do you know when you need to talk about it? Here are 10 signs that it might be time to bring it up.
We all compare our current romances to those we’ve had in the past, and sometimes pointing to the old stable is no cause for alarm. “But,” says marriage and family therapist Joan Sherman, “if it’s happening 24-seven, that’s a problem.” This will prevent both of you from enjoying the new relationship.
Sherman says that if you’re hearing every detail and story about a previous relationship, it’s probably a sign that your partner hasn’t moved on.
Silence about an ex-lover can indicate a lack of closure. Guilty feelings from carrying a secret torch often make a person not want to talk about an ex. If you feel like your partner is afraid to bring up the ex or if your partner has tried and it’s become a sore point, Sherman says, it’s time to ask.
Whether it’s with Facebook, a dating profile, or by Googling an ex’s name, relationship expert and author John Gray says that keeping tabs online frequently can be a red flag. Green says, “If they’re spending a lot of time online following past partners, it can make you feel neglected. Are you getting what you need from this person, especially when they’re out at night?” Do you spend two hours on Facebook after dinner? If not, Green says, it’s time to talk.
Frequent emails, phone calls, or online messages with past loves can take away from the current relationship. But it’s a matter of context, says Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hicks.
If you are talking weekly emails and your partner is still fully invested in your current relationship, then this is not a sign of anything. But if it’s weekly emails and your partner isn’t dedicated, you have a legitimate concern, Hicks says. Your partner may not have cut the cord
A new relationship is about trust, Sherman says. If you’re not okay with your current partner’s contact with your ex, say so. Your partner and their ex should be willing to take a break from each other while the two of you focus on what you have in common. It doesn’t have to be a permanent break, but it’s a respectful thing to do.
Talk about a bad time. During orgasm, the brain is completely idle, making it easy to think of someone else’s name out, says Gray. This type of mistake usually suggests unresolved feelings for the ex.
Seeing memories from a relationship is part of the healing process. But, Sherman says, it’s time to let the reminders go when the emotions have resolved. Your partner doesn’t need to be assigned a favorite sweatshirt and all those love letters. But they should be out of everyday reach.
As for the photos on display, it’s one thing to have a group photo that includes a past partner on the wall. It’s another to build a shrine to that person or plaster the bedroom together with glory days. You can easily and wisely consider keeping these beautiful frames and fill them with new memories of both of you.
Look for a partner who gives love on and off. Green says this could be a sign of internal turmoil. Your partner may become cold and pull away when feeling guilty that the same kind of love was not given in the previous relationship. Then passion can reignite when your partner feels guilty for withdrawing from you.
One of the signs of not being ready to move on is the “I love you, but I don’t love you” talk. Or, “I’m into you, but I still want to see others.” If a long-term relationship isn’t moving to the next level, the roadblock could be another person from the past.
“When someone is thinking, ‘Should I go back? Why didn’t it work?’ It can create a barrier to moving forward,” says Green.
Gary says that maintaining an erection or reaching orgasm can be a sign of an emotional hangover. Guilt can create a sense of inadequacy and prevent someone from fully surrendering to a new partner.
Green emphasizes, however, that many other factors can affect bedroom performance, such as depression, high estrogen levels, excess belly fat, and drug abuse.
“Sometimes clients say to me, ‘I have this feeling in my gut that something’s not right,'” Sherman says. It’s a good barometer, she says. If you think something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably worth bringing it out into the open. It can discover about your partner’s feelings for someone else.
Also, if you feel the need to push around, there’s a good chance you have trust issues in your relationship, Sherman says. Try to get the reason for the mistrust, and stop at detective work.
As much heartache and headaches as it can cause, couples can avoid being fixated on one partner’s previous failed relationship. But the longer you wait to speak up, the more resentful you’ll be of the situation, Sherman says.
Instead of pushing the other person away with angry words, start the conversation in a “working together” way. Use phrases like, “I need your help,” and, “I need your reassurance,” and, “I love you and want to work on this with you.” To get the ball rolling, Sherman says.
If you’re having trouble solving the problem but really feel like it’s workable, it might be time to seek help from a couples therapist.
If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with the love of your life, be careful of jumping on the prison train prematurely and making quick accusations. Short of a larger context, there’s no reason to be suspicious of your partner with a “how dare you” attitude at every little moment.
“Extreme jealousy is worse than having feelings about someone else,” Hicks says. “Most of the hang-up is just emotions. But constantly looking for bad things – it’s a big problem of trust.