Penny Williams of Asheville, N.C., still remembers the day she got the call from her son’s kindergarten teacher. It was the second day of school, and the teacher requested to meet the same day.
“He was always a real boy, but he was also very loving and caring,” says Williams, an author, podcaster, and parenting coach for neurodiverse families. “And then he went to school, and everything fell off the rails. … He was so wild and active and unfocused and was really struggling to follow along with the classroom system.
About a year later, her son was diagnosed with ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She struggled then to find resources and information on how to parent a child with ADHD. So, she indulged in reading books and started blogging about her experience.
Now, 13 years later, her son is 19 and she’s helping other parents of children with ADHD cope in a neurotypical world.
“As I was obsessively researching, I wondered why no one was putting it out there to help other parents,” she says. “I realized that I spent a lot of time and energy trying to find it. I wanted to share it so that no one else has to go through such a long ordeal.
Erin Snyders, a mother of three in Minneapolis, MN, and an ADHD parenting coach, had a similar experience with her son.
“Life before the diagnosis was very chaotic and confusing,” she says. “As a parent I felt like a complete failure. I knew he was really smart and a really kind kid with a big heart, but his behavior didn’t match that.
Williams and Snyders, like many parents of children with ADHD, have found that a combination of strategies, therapy, and medication has helped them manage symptoms, learn new skills, and manage daily life.
Medication for ADHD
There are a variety of medications — including psychostimulants (such as Adderall and Ritalin) and non-stimulant medications (such as Intuniv, Kapvay, and Strattera) — that can help children manage their ADHD symptoms. These symptoms include things like restlessness, hyperactivity, and inability to concentrate. The type of drug — or whether the drug is used — is a personal preference. This is something that every parent should discuss with their child’s doctor. Much depends on the severity of the child’s symptoms, the child’s sensitivity and reaction to various medications, and other factors.
Williams says her son started taking the drug shortly after his diagnosis when he was in first grade. But it took some time to find the right medicine and the right dosage for him.
Finally, he needed to collect some medicine. Williams says the drug helped him calm down and focus longer. But of late he has stopped taking the medicine due to side effects in the youth.
“It wasn’t great right away, it took some trial and error,” Williams says. “For several years he was quite stable with the addition of a stimulant and another drug.”
Snyders says her son tried stimulant medication at first, but his anxiety increased. Now, he is on a non-stimulating medication.
But both women stressed that medicine is only one piece.
Snyders says that if you try medication and it starts working, it’s time to start teaching coping mechanisms and skills, such as time management, emotion regulation, prioritization, how to transition between activities, and more.
Diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes
Many families also try a variety of other treatments to help their child with ADHD symptoms.
Snyders says that through the years, her family has tried many different treatments and therapies, including chiropractic care. They have also made changes in their diet and exercise habits.
“We definitely see changes with diet and exercise — those are the biggest ones for us,” she says.
Snyders says getting her son to walk or run on the treadmill for 15 minutes before school helped, as did genetic testing, which pointed them to vitamin supplements that have made a big difference for her son.
But some treatments were not beneficial enough to warrant the time, energy, and expense. She cautions other parents not to try to do everything at once or completely.
“Parents who are raising children with ADHD expect themselves to do all the things all the time,” she says. “You can’t expect yourself to have a perfect diet, work out every day, etc. That’s just exhausting yourself and setting yourself up for failure.”
Parenting strategies and mindsets
While both medication and support at school helped the children, Williams and Snyders say managing their own expectations, reactions and mindsets made the biggest difference for them and their families.
“The biggest piece was our own parenting and mindset around ADHD and behavior,” Williams says. “That’s when things started to get a little easier for us and I was less worried because I understood what was going on under the surface.
When working with new families, she says she tells them: “It’s 90 percent us as parents and 10 percent coping and skill building for the kids.”
Snyder says one of his biggest breakthroughs was recognizing that ADHD is a type of developmental delay.
“The biggest ‘aha’ moment for me was understanding executive age,” she says, which is a child’s age based on how his or her brain is working. “Your child’s executive function, impulse control, processing speed, it’s all delayed by a third of their age. So instead of thinking about how he should act as a 9-year-old, I think to myself, ‘How would I have helped him when he was 6?’
She says Refrim helps her meet her son where he is and not where she thinks he should be.
Williams agrees. She says she tries to think of a child’s behavior as the way they communicate. So, when a child is angry or yelling, she finds a way to share that something is wrong.
“A parenting mantra that has helped me is: ‘He’s not giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time’,” she says. “It gives you a lens for more compassion and better relationships. Your problem solving is better and it’s a more comfortable and pleasant way of communicating as a family.”
Practical ways to get things done with ADHD
A helpful trick that Snyders uses daily is point-of-performance reminders — or reminders that occur when a child needs to do a task or remember something.
“If you remind them too soon or after the fact, they’re less likely to succeed,” she says. She uses technology — like cell phone alarms — and post-it notes to remind her children about daily routines or to turn in homework, a common struggle she sees in children with ADHD.
She also says that children with ADHD need help being motivated to do the things they need to do.
“It’s not enough to do or write a to-do list. You have to motivate your child to get on the list,” she says.
Snyders says consistency is key. She suggests doing strenuous tasks at the same time each day or setting an alarm for when your child needs to start. And, when your child is learning or working on new skills, she recommends giving frequent rewards or incentives for quick successes.
“Our kids get a lot of negative feedback every day. So, trying to help with some positivity and success often means starting really, really small,” she says. “Don’t try a big task chart for the week, start with one day. For example, ‘I cleaned my room today, so I’m getting a reward today.’
Tips for a difficult day
The best way to get through a bad day, Williams says sometimes, is to “go away and have a lot of self-care.”
“Sometimes, you just have to say, today is not the day because sometimes it just isn’t,” she says. “When our kids are really struggling, they can’t do homework. They cannot communicate and plan anything. It’s just not possible. Take a step back to say, homework isn’t that important tonight. We will work on it tomorrow. We will catch up at the end of the week. Sometimes, it is a reason to do nothing. Just to be”.
The Snyders agree.
“You have to put aside society’s expectations and society’s expectations of mothers and do what’s best for your family,” she says.
Snyders says the most important thing for parents to remember is that everything will be okay.
“Have faith that it’s going to get better, they’ll mature and grow, just in their own time,” she says. “The most important thing you can do is build a relationship with your child. They need a loving parent. They need someone they know is in their corner.