By Deborah Sarani, PsyD, as reported to Holly Levine
When it comes to talking about how depression affects relationships, I’m an expert. And it’s not just because I’m a psychologist. I have lived with major depressive disorder since the age of 19. Not only do I work on this problem with my patients, but I face it every day in my life.
There is no doubt that strong relationships can help provide a buffer against depression and reduce the severity of depressive episodes. One study, for example, followed American adults aged 25-75 for 10 years and found that those who reported poor relationships with their spouses or other family members had a higher risk of depression.
But it can be hard to maintain a relationship when you’ve hurt yourself so much. Here’s what I tell my patients and what I want everyone who experiences depression, and those who care about them, to know.
Depression can be difficult to understand because it is an “invisible” illness. This is especially true if you struggle with it. Most of us “get” that a broken leg is an injury, for example, and that we need a cast and crutches so we can walk around. But if you have symptoms of depression like mood swings, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, and just generally feeling sad and uninterested in anything, it can be hard to resist the temptation to just give yourself a break. To tell me to get out.
But if you don’t accept the fact that your depression is real, and just a chronic illness like high blood sugar or arthritis, you’re setting yourself up for relationship trouble. why? You are setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.
Your loved ones want to help you and make your life easier. They need you to tell them what you’re up for, and when you need help, or a break. Spouses and other family members worry a lot. You can make their lives easier and your life easier if you are just up front about how you feel.
Make it clear that depression is not all about you. It’s easy for loved ones to mistake irritation for real, authentic sadness or depression. You may be worried about the situation in Ukraine, or worried about COVID-19, and a loved one will mistake these genuine feelings as just a recurrence of symptoms.
Again, they are only looking out for you and your health. I suggest that you be upfront with them and say, ‘No, it’s not that I went off my medication, or that my depression is getting worse. I have a real legitimate reason to worry, and it’s X, Y or Z. So talk to them about it. You’ll feel better about sharing your thoughts and they’ll feel better knowing you’ve got a handle on your symptoms.
This is especially true when it comes to children. My daughter, who is now 30 years old, has a habit of having a mother with depression. When she was younger, I could tell she was worried about me when I was quiet or moody. Sometimes I had to reassure her that mom was fine.
Children who have parents with depression feel that they need to tiptoe, that they don’t want to worry the parents. They want to be caregivers, and they forget their own needs because they want to make sure they don’t set up a row of domestic dominoes for their mom or dad with a chronic illness.
It’s important to reassure both you and your partner that they don’t have to feel this way. Let them know that yes, you are fine, but you need some time in the sun or to get out to regroup and start feeling like yourself again. Just as you need to check in on your own mental health, check in on them.
Be selective about what you share with your depression diagnosis. It may seem like you should “open up about your depression” and let your boss and co-workers know. But think carefully before doing so. Yes, we have come a long way in understanding mental illness, but it is still stigmatized. Employers treat depression differently from other chronic conditions such as heart disease.
I have found this to be true in my professional life. Yes, I have found that it helps patients to know that I too have days when I struggle to get out of bed, or that I am well aware of the side effects of certain antidepressant medications. The stigma I have faced is, surprisingly, from other therapists who feel that I am being observant.
As a result, I have learned to be very careful with whom I share personal struggles. You can have depression and be a wonderful parent and have a wonderful career. But there is still a misconception that if you have this condition, you are flawed as a person. It is very sad, but unfortunately, it is a reality.
Check in with yourself frequently. It won’t just help you; It will help your relationships. I ask patients to ask themselves these three questions at least once a week:
- Has your partner commented that you seem more moody, sad, or irritable?
- Have you noticed that you struggle in more than one situation every day for at least 2 weeks? (For example, feeling overwhelmed with both your work and your children.)
- Are you finding it difficult to do things with family and friends that you normally enjoy, such as going to a movie or going out to eat?
If at least one of your answers is yes, then check with your physician. And if you don’t currently have a therapist, consider getting one. You may also be due for a medication check, whether it’s to change the medication or increase your dose.
Make it a priority to have some self-care time as well. It may seem like a luxury you can’t afford, either financially or time-wise. But if you take just a few minutes a week, whether it’s going to the gym or taking a relaxing bath, you’ll feel better about yourself and be more willing to give in your relationship. trust me. Your partner, children, friends, and other family members will thank you.
